i'm getting switched

I take this 'Little Fat Notebook' to work with me for when I get done early and feel like writing something. So I wrote this stuff. Anything not in italics is and explaination, something that I didn't write in the notebook.

Krissy (the woman who's womb I was in for 8 months) dropped by the other day while I was with Pam. I rarely see or talk to her. When she could come by Angelo's (my uncle) to actually see me I would pretend to be busy or asleep or whatever, not even there. Angelo would help me. He's the oldest of the family, 15 years older than Krissy, she's the middle child and Pam's the youngest.

Pam took me in at 4 months because Krissy had better things to do than raise a child. She had more important shit as she was going to be this big star, this famous actress. She's been in a few things, nothing that made it anywhere, and then she got caught up in drugs and easy money. She was pretty. Now she's life-worn and a supervisor of transit. Woopie. I don't know how the fuck she got the job and I don't care. She could be a fucking brain surgeon, she coulg *be* that actress that she's always wanted to be. I don't give a fuck. I wish she'd just stay out of my life.

So she came in to see Pama and figured she'd sit and talk to me. I hate it when she pretends to be all motherly. Or, well, it's not that she's pretending but her attempts are depressing nonetheless. I don't know if she honestly regrets not knowing her only child or if she just feels some odd form of obligation that a society of Lifetime and Oprah has pressed upon her.

Sometimes, whe I'm feeling nice in particular, I just want to tell her that I'm not angry with her. But of course my reason for this is that I'm hoping she'll go away and I haven't told her yet which would indicate that my anger is still alive and well. Duh.

At my darkest moments however I want to make her break down and cry fucking rivers, make her feel the pain in my chest when it hits me that my mother discarded me for a life of wealth and fame that she never achieved. I want to let her know that I don't want her to try and get to know me or my life. I want her to see how much I miss Pam and that if God would give me the chance I would condemn my soul to hell so that her and Pam could trade places.

Let Pam live, the amazing soul that took me in instead of letting me go up for adoption, that took a hit to her dating and partying and living just to take me in and then never ONCE mentioned it to me or blamed me. The girl at 22 that became a woman overnight, a mother and a damn good one. I want this person to live and Krissy-Fucktard-Cunt to go lie in that stale hospital bed with the cancer devouring her like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I hate to say it but if I had that power I would place her in the hospital in less than a heartbeat. I would. I want my Pam back.

I don't think that makes me a bad person, I think that it just confirms that I'm human and I don't think I'd go to hell for that, not even if I wished with all my might.

Objectivity. I guess that's what I really need.

All that was from the notebook.

At the end of the shift Rico told me that Sofia wants to talk to me. He was cursing in Spanish and when he talked in English his accent was really thick so I'm pretty sure he knows that Sofia wants to switch me to Sherman's crew. It's not cool because I enjoy working with Rico. He's cool and fun and lets us wear headphones and talk on cellphones and wear whatever scuff-free shoes we want. As long as we're working. Sherman has you order specifically from the fucking catalogue and I don't want to spend $100 fucking dollars on shoes that I don't need/want. Also he doesn't let his group talk or wear headphones. Ever. I'll have to start wearing the cap (I hate that fucking thing) and my hair down to hide them and I'll bet he'll bitch about my hair too.

Working with Anna will be cool again though. We liked to finish early and sneak outdoors or somewhere and hang out. She's really tiny and fast. She's like 5 foot or something, skinny and has long, long braid. Like past her ass. She has really nice thick black hair but it's always in that damn braid. I wanna know what it looks like down.

She likes hockey and swimming and wants to be a forensic specialist. I don't know what she's doing about that.

Gone for now